Dear Humanity,

I am a 225lb panda living in Gansu, China. I’d like to draw your attention to the rapidly decreasing habitat in which I and my fellow black-and-whities reside. My main concern is the increasing scarcity of bamboo, which constitutes the vast majority of my diet. As a result of this, there are now very few of us left. Seriously, it’s pandamonium!

Now, I would not wish to place the blame upon you, Humanity, but it is true that pandamic industrial farming methods, deforestation and the encroaching rumble of human infrastructure has played a rather destabilising role in the dwindling number of my fellow panda-folk.

Thus, perhaps we might come to some sort of compromise? We, Ailuropoda melanoleuca, will continue to appear cutesy and cuddly, occasionally sneezing for your cameras, if you, Humanity, will make our endangerment part of the education of your youngsters: where we teach our few cubs to eat only the most succulent bamboo, you will educate yours in the fragility of the panda.

I suppose what I’m really asking is for a bit of empathy, y’know? I really want children to think about this. It goes without saying, I hope, that roleplay or scripted scenarios, or any of that nonsense, would be wholly inappropriate, but I mention this because we do hear tell of these kind of bamboozling things going on. I mean, we don’t dare to assume what Humanity talks about behind your doors and walls – that would be self-evidently absurd as we lack the capacity to do so! (Don’t ‘panda’ to us!)

Anyway, I do hope you can help us out. It would be much appreciated.


Ling Ling, China.

Dear Ling Ling,

Thanks for your letter. On behalf of Humanity, we’ve taken what you said on board and have decided to include your plight in our latest edition of Geography Rocks! After much thought we’ve come up with what we believe to be a generous section on your plight. I’ve attached a screenshot. Please do let me know what you think.

Kind regards,

Marvin Mushroom

Tosser Publishing, Bristol

Dear Marvin,

I mean … what?

Ling Ling.